Why I forward you a joke April 29, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes, Life , add a commentA man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’
‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.
’Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
‘Of course, sir, Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.
‘I’m sorry; sir, but we don’t accept pets.’
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’
‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’
‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.
‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.
‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’
‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’
‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’
‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’
Soooo …
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke:
So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
Ten Powerful Tips to Create Wealth April 20, 2008
Posted by koky in : Management , add a comment- Pay Yourself First
Nothing is more important than this; You worked for it so you deserve it.
Unfortunately, most people work for the banks (more than half of their salary goes to their credit card payment, housing loan and car loan).
Put aside 10-20% of your salary in investments that are yielding at least 6% returns (to surpass inflation). - Take Advantage of Compounding Interests
Avoid procrastination; the earlier you start, the faster compounding interests work in your favour.
It may not seem like much but accumulatively it pays.
At 8%, a 20 year old would only need to put aside RM435 per month to have a million ringgit at retirement. A 45 year old would need to put aside RM5500 per month to achieve a similar figure. - Pay Off the Credit Card Debts, Mortgage and Other Loans
If you are not currently paying your credit card debts in full evey month, this is the first thing that you should do even before considering investments.
At 12-15% interest annually, you’re better off paying these debts rather than investing in something that gives you 6% per annum. - Don’t Put All Your Eggs in One Basket
Diversify.
Opportunities are everywhere, invest wisely.
Understand the Risk - Be aware, be alert and don’t act on impulse.
- Don’t Try to Time the Market
Understand the difference between investment and speculation. - Spend Within Your Means
Use cash; credit cards should be used only for emergency purposes. - Keep Money Aside for Emergencies
Keep at least 6 months’ expenses in conservative investments. - Avoid Acting as a Guarantor
Beware, this will not benefit you. If you’re unlucky, it can destroy whatever you’ve built over time. - Ensure You Are Insured
Have an insurance policy that safeguards you and your loved ones.
I Wish You ENOUGH for The Rest of Your Life April 10, 2008
Posted by koky in : Family, Life, Philosophy , add a commentRecently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.’
The daughter replied, ‘Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.’
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’
‘Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’.
‘I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ she said.
‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough.’ May I ask what that means?’
She began to smile. ‘That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.’ She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’ Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.
* Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don’t send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE… ..
To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.
Tips on Filling your Vehicles… April 1, 2008
Posted by koky in : Tips , add a commentThis is a Message received from a friend:
I don’t know what you guys are paying for petrol… but here in Durban, we are also paying higher, up to 47.35 per litre. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money’s worth for every litre.
Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline, where I work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million litres in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel; the next day is jet fuel, and petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 litres.
ONLY BUY OR FILL UP YOUR CAR OR BIKKIE IN THE EARLY MORNING WHEN THE GROUND TEMPERATURE IS STILL COLD. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the denser the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening…. your litre is not exactly a litre.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
WHEN YOU’RE FILLING UP, DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER OF THE NOZZLE TO A FAST MODE. If you look, you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode, you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created, while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you’re getting less worth for your money.
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIPS IS TO FILL UP WHEN YOUR TANK IS HALF FULL. The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank, the less air occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine. Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated, so that every litre is actually the exact amount.
ANOTHER REMINDER, IF THERE IS A FUEL TRUCK PUMPING INTO THE STORAGE TANKS, WHEN YOU STOP TO BUY, DO NOT FILL UP - most likely the petrol/diesel is being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope, this will help you get the maximum value for your money.
Smart Indian Boy in US College March 20, 2008
Posted by koky in : Education, Jokes , add a commentIt was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, ‘Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
‘Patrick Henry, 1775′ he said.
‘Very good!’
Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘Fuck the Indians,’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004..’
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re fucked!’
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.’
Appreciating Life March 8, 2008
Posted by koky in : Family, Life, Philosophy , add a commentOne day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son.
How was the trip?
It was great, Dad.
Did you see how poor people live? the father asked.
Oh yeah, said the son.
So, tell me, what you learned from the trip? asked the father.
The son answered:
I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end…
…We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond
…We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them
The boy’s father was speechless
Then his son added, Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are
Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing?
Appreciate every single thing you have!
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don’t have
Free Haircut in New York March 8, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentThere once was a very good old barber in New York. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut,he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop,there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service. The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there…
Try to guess………..
Well, here is the answer……… A dozen fellow Singaporeans are waiting for their free haircut in New York.
A priest who saw heaven, hell, and purgatory March 1, 2008
Posted by koky in : Life, Religion , add a commentThe death experience of Father Jose Maniyangat
Fr. Jose Maniyangat is currently the pastor of St. Mary’s Mother of Mercy Catholic Church in Macclenny, Florida. Here is his personal testimony:
I was born on July 16, 1949 in Kerala, India to my parents, Joseph and Theresa Maniyangat. I am the eldest of seven children: Jose, Mary, Theresa, Lissama, Zachariah, Valsa and Tom.
At the age of fourteen, I entered St. Mary’s Minor Seminary in Thiruvalla to begin my studies for the priesthood. Four years later, I went to St. Joseph’s Pontifical Major Seminary in Alwaye, Kerala to continue my priestly formation. After completing the seven years of philosophy and theology, I was ordained a priest on January 1, 1975 to serve as a missionary in the Diocese of Thiruvalla.
On Sunday April 14, 1985, the Feast of the Divine Mercy, I was going to celebrate Mass at a mission church in the north part of Kerala, and I had a fatal accident. I was riding a motorcycle when I was hit head-on by a jeep driven by a man who was intoxicated after a Hindu festival. I was rushed to a hospital about 35 miles away.
On the way, my soul came out from my body and I experienced death. Immediately, I met my Guardian Angel. I saw my body and the people who were carrying me to the hospital. I heard them crying and praying for me. At this time my angel told me: “I am going to take you to Heaven, the Lord wants to meet you and talk with you.” He also said that, on the way, he wanted to show me hell and purgatory.
Hell
First, the angel escorted me to hell. It was an awful sight! I saw Satan and the devils, an unquenchable fire of about 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, worms crawling, people screaming and fighting, others being tortured by demons. The angel told me that all these sufferings were due to unrepented mortal sins. Then, I understood that there are seven degrees of suffering or levels according to the number and kinds of mortal sins committed in their earthly lives.
The souls looked very ugly, cruel and horrific. It was a fearful experience. I saw people whom I knew, but I am not allowed to reveal their identities. The sins that convicted them were mainly abortion, homosexuality, euthanasia, hatefulness, unforgiveness and sacrilege.
The angel told me that if they had repented, they would have avoided hell and gone instead to purgatory. I also understood that some people who repent from these sins might be purified on earth through their sufferings. This way they can avoid purgatory and go straight to heaven.
I was surprised when I saw in hell even priests and Bishops, some of whom I never expected to see. Many of them were there because they had misled the people with false teaching and bad example.
Purgatory
After the visit to hell, my Guardian Angel escorted me to purgatory. Here too, there are seven degrees of suffering and unquenchable fire. But it is far less intense than hell and there was neither quarreling nor fighting.
The main suffering of these souls is their separation from God. Some of those who are in purgatory committed numerous mortal sins, but they were reconciled with God before their death. Even though these souls are suffering, they enjoy peace and the knowledge that one day they will see God face to face.
I had a chance to communicate with the souls in purgatory. They asked me to pray for them and to tell the people to pray for them as well, so they can go to heaven quickly. When we pray for these souls, we will receive their gratitude through their prayers, and once they enter heaven, their prayers become even more meritorious.
It is difficult for me to describe how beautiful my Guardian Angel is. He is radiant and bright. He is my constant companion and helps me in all my ministries, especially my healing ministry. I experience his presence everywhere I go and I am grateful for his protection in my daily life.
Heaven
Next, my angel escorted me to heaven passing through a big dazzling white tunnel. I never experienced this much peace and joy in my life. Then immediately heaven opened up and I heard the most delightful music, which I never heard before. The angels were singing and praising God.
I saw all the saints, especially the Blessed Mother and St. Joseph, and many dedicated holy Bishops and priests who were shining like stars. And when I appeared before the Lord, Jesus told me: “I want you to go back to the world. In your second life, you will be an instrument of peace and healing to My people. You will walk in a foreign land and you will speak in a foreign tongue. Everything is possible for you with My grace.” After these words, the Blessed Mother told me: “Do whatever He tells you. I will help you in your ministries.”
Words can not express the beauty of heaven. There we find so much peace and happiness, which exceed a million times our imagination. Our Lord is far more beautiful than any image can convey. His face is radiant and luminous and more beautiful than a thousand rising suns.
The pictures we see in the world are only a shadow of His magnificence. The Blessed Mother was next to Jesus; She was so beautiful and radiant. None of the images we see in this world can compare with Her real beauty. Heaven is our real home; we are all created to reach heaven and enjoy God forever. Then, I came back to the world with my angel.
While my body was at the hospital, the doctor completed all examinations and I was pronounced dead. The cause of death was bleeding. My family was notified, and since they were far away, the hospital staff decided to move my dead body to the morgue. Because the hospital did not have air conditioners, they were concerned that the body would decompose quickly.
As they were moving my dead body to the morgue, my soul came back to the body. I felt an excruciating pain because of so many wounds and broken bones. I began to scream, and then the people became frightened and ran away screaming. One of them approached the doctor and said: “The dead body is screaming.” The doctor came to examine the body and found that I was alive. So he said: “Father is alive, it is a miracle! Take him back to the hospital.”
Now, back at the hospital, they gave me blood transfusions and I was taken to surgery to repair the broken bones. They worked on my lower jaw, ribs, pelvic bone, wrists, and right leg.
After two months, I was released from the hospital, but my orthopedic doctor said that I would never walk again. I then said to him: “The Lord who gave me my life back and sent me back to the world will heal me.” Once at home, we were all praying for a miracle. Still after a month, and with the casts removed, I was not able to move.
But one day while praying I felt an extraordinary pain in my pelvic area. After a short while the pain disappeared completely and I heard a voice saying: “You are healed. Get up and walk.” I felt the peace and healing power on my body. I immediately got up and walked. I praised and thanked God for the miracle.
I reached my doctor with the news of my healing, and he was amazed. He said: “Your God is the true God. I must follow your God.” The doctor was Hindu, and he asked me to teach him about our Church. After studying the Faith, I baptized him and he became Catholic.
Following the message from my Guardian Angel, I came to the United States on November 10, 1986 as a missionary priest… Since June 1999, I have been pastor of St. Mary’s Mother of Mercy Catholic Church in Macclenny, Florida.
Beware of Management Talk February 15, 2008
Posted by koky in : Leadership, Management , add a commentSometimes when your boss speaks to you, words that he uses may have totally different meaning from how you would have understood him. Beware of what we term as management talk. See some of the examples below.
- Outgoing Personality - Always going out of office.
- Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit.
- Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on the phone.
- Work is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date.
- Active Socially - Drinks a lot.
- Independent worker - Nobody knows what he/she does.
- Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses.
- Careful Thinker - Won’t make a decision.
- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it.
- Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
- Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
- Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice.
- Exceptionally Good Judgement - Lucky
- Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
- Career Minded - Back stabber
- Loyal - Can’t get a job anywhere else
- Plans for Promotion/Advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys
- Of Great Value to the Organization - Gets to work on time.
- Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk.
Why Chinese should not use English names February 15, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentChinese has many dialects and among the common dialects are Hockkien, Cantonese and Mandarin. Many words in these dialects can rhyme very well with English words but it may have a totally different meaning to the name. Enjoy reading some of the crude examples below.
Anne Chang (Mandarin) - Dirty
Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet
Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty
Carl Cheng (Hockkien) - Buttock
Monica Cheng (Hockkien) - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead
Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs
Suzie Leow (Hockkien) - Lost till death
Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum
Corrine Tai (Hockkien) - Poor fellow
Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt
Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
Carmen Teng (Hockkien) - Leg hair long
Connie Mah (Cantonese) - Call your mother
Danny See (Hockkien) - Squeeze you to death
Rosie Teng (Hockkien) - Screws and nails
Pete Tsai (Hockkien) - Nose droppings
Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before