Beware of Management Talk February 15, 2008
Posted by koky in : Leadership, Management , add a commentSometimes when your boss speaks to you, words that he uses may have totally different meaning from how you would have understood him. Beware of what we term as management talk. See some of the examples below.
- Outgoing Personality - Always going out of office.
- Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit.
- Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on the phone.
- Work is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date.
- Active Socially - Drinks a lot.
- Independent worker - Nobody knows what he/she does.
- Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses.
- Careful Thinker - Won’t make a decision.
- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it.
- Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
- Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
- Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice.
- Exceptionally Good Judgement - Lucky
- Keen Sense of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
- Career Minded - Back stabber
- Loyal - Can’t get a job anywhere else
- Plans for Promotion/Advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys
- Of Great Value to the Organization - Gets to work on time.
- Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk.
Why Chinese should not use English names February 15, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentChinese has many dialects and among the common dialects are Hockkien, Cantonese and Mandarin. Many words in these dialects can rhyme very well with English words but it may have a totally different meaning to the name. Enjoy reading some of the crude examples below.
Anne Chang (Mandarin) - Dirty
Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet
Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty
Carl Cheng (Hockkien) - Buttock
Monica Cheng (Hockkien) - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead
Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs
Suzie Leow (Hockkien) - Lost till death
Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum
Corrine Tai (Hockkien) - Poor fellow
Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt
Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
Carmen Teng (Hockkien) - Leg hair long
Connie Mah (Cantonese) - Call your mother
Danny See (Hockkien) - Squeeze you to death
Rosie Teng (Hockkien) - Screws and nails
Pete Tsai (Hockkien) - Nose droppings
Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before
Mental Feng Shui February 8, 2008
Posted by koky in : Life, Philosophy , add a commentThe Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
Send this link out to as many people as possible…
Indian Boy in USA February 7, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentIt was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.
“Very good!”
Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Indians,”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
“General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ” Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004..”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked!”
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.”
Water vs Wine February 6, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentA Great Sage has sent this to me.
Benjamin Franklin once said…. ‘In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.’
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer, (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and/or fermenting
Remember: Water = poop. Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Summary of Life February 5, 2008
Posted by koky in : Philosophy , add a commentGREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1 — You believe in Santa Claus.
2 — You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3 — You are Santa Claus.
4 — You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
I don’t feel like it February 3, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentThis was written by a guy … it’s pretty damn smart.
Girls — Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!