Mental Feng Shui February 8, 2008
Posted by koky in : Life, Philosophy , add a commentThe Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
Send this link out to as many people as possible…
Indian Boy in USA February 7, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentIt was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.
“Very good!”
Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Indians,”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
“General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ” Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004..”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked!”
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.”
Water vs Wine February 6, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentA Great Sage has sent this to me.
Benjamin Franklin once said…. ‘In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.’
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer, (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and/or fermenting
Remember: Water = poop. Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Summary of Life February 5, 2008
Posted by koky in : Philosophy , add a commentGREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1 — You believe in Santa Claus.
2 — You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3 — You are Santa Claus.
4 — You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
I don’t feel like it February 3, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentThis was written by a guy … it’s pretty damn smart.
Girls — Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!
Don’t Quit January 20, 2008
Posted by koky in : Poem , add a commentDon’t Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he’d stuck it out.
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
~ Author Unknown
Questions about Canada January 19, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentA Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Toronto diner when an American guy, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said: ‘You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?’ Annoyed at having his leisurely breakfast interrupted, the Canadian frowned and replied: ‘Of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble and grinned. ‘We don’t. In the States we only eat what’s inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada.’
The Canadian listened in silence, but the American persisted. ‘D’ya eat jelly with the bread?’ The Canadian sighed. ‘Of course.’ Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said: ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada.’
The Canadian then asked: ‘Do you have sex in the States?’ The American smiled and said: ‘Of course, we do.’ The Canadian leaned closer and asked: ‘And what do you do with the condom once you’ve used them?’ ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Now, it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. ‘We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.’
Smart kids with great answers January 18, 2008
Posted by koky in : Education , add a commentA 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don’t change horses…. until they stop running.
2. Strike while the…. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before…. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but…. How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that…. looks dirty.
7. No news is…. impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a…. Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new …. Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…. stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust…. Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the…. pigs.
13. An idle mind is…. the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s…. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who…. gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is…. not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s…. the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what…. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…. You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as…. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not…. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed…. get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you…. See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind…. get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand…. is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER is…
26. Better late than ….. Pregnant
How to make a woman happy January 17, 2008
Posted by koky in : Jokes , add a commentIt’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
55. birthdays
56. anniversaries
57. arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Father holding girl’s hand January 16, 2008
Posted by koky in : Life , add a comment
Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, ‘Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.’ The little girl said, ‘No, Dad. You hold my hand.’ ‘What’s the difference?’ Asked the puzzled father. ‘There’s a big difference,’ replied the little girl. ‘If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go.’
In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person who loves you rather than expecting them to hold yours…